Acronyms become sentient, possess students with malevolent intent

Sun, 2017/03/26

Have you noticed your peers acting distant? Have they been disappearing at odd hours of the night with no explanation of where they’ve been and a crazed look in their eyes? The source of these problems may be Illinois Tech’s frequent use of acronyms; many students believe that these acronyms, previously believed to be mere literary conveniences, are becoming not only sentient, but malevolent. Some students have even reported what seems to be evidence of acronyms possessing humans and using them to fulfill miscellaneous evil duties, which have yet to be described or reported in any way. Because the use of acronyms has not caused problems before, those who can still think are asking themselves: "why now?" This question, however, doesn't even make the top five most interesting.

Illinois Tech is the only campus in the United States of America to see these changes, which may be due to the fact that the campus is home to not only many student organizations whose titles are frequently abbreviated, but also buildings, research groups, and academic programs, not to mention common acronyms used in English slang.

If you’re reading this and your mind is still your own, you’re lucky. Either you have not used acronyms with the frequency necessary to allow them to overtake you, or they have skipped over you for reasons unknown. In any case, from this point forward, it is advised to avoid acronyms as a whole, both written and verbal.

Many student organizations on campus have noted this change, which has reportedly made drafting emails extremely inconvenient. “My email subject lines now have to be like fifteen times longer,” said Thomas Joseph Gansey, a junior studying information technology and management and president of Illinois Tech’s chapter of The Society of Students Who Enjoy Using Acronyms. “Do you know what the worst part is? I used to go by T.J….” abruptly, Gansey’s eyes glossed over. Unresponsive to attempts to get his attention, he turned and walked away robotically. TechNews has no choice but to assume that he was possessed by the acronym that he had once called his name.

According to Stephanie Gonzales, an undecided freshman in the mechanical, materials, and aerospace engineering field, she first noticed the change at a Student Government Association senate hearing. “I was asking a question about the Student Health and Wellness Advisory Board, insisting that the project progress ASA--” she cut herself off quickly, hand flying to cover her mouth, “as… as soon as possible…” Eyes wide, she continued shakily. “Then, I felt this tickling sensation in the back of my head. It was... whispering things. I knew the acronym was trying to possess me.” Her hands reached up to grab chunks of her hair. “It’s still there, right now,” she whispered, eyes wide, “It’s just waiting for me to slip again…” The SGA hearing was reportedly adjourned very abruptly, after several students had fled the room, screaming.

Despite TechNews' own advice, it seems that acronyms were used in this very article,

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