Campus Safety: Bears and You

Date: 
Sunday, March 29th, 2015
Here at IIT, we pride ourselves on campus safety. With a first class public safety team, and citizens of Bronzeville devoted to not mugging you and stealing your bike, IIT has benefited from years of peace and safety. Recently however, campus has suffered from a severe spike in the number of city bears (yes, bears) that have been terrorizing students. So here at TechNews, we made it our personal responsibility to make a guide to help you if you ever come into contact with a city bear

1. Don’t be a jerk

Scientists have recently discovered that city bears are 78% more likely to maul someone who acts like Justin Bieber. Actions that are correlated with Bieberistic behavior includes, but is not limited to, Cutting in line, lying on a survey, Stealing from children, and setting off the fire alarm in MSV. Though it may seem elementary to some, walking around like you own the place can be the difference between a city bear stealing your wallet, and getting your intestines ripped out.

2. Walk fast

If there’s one thing city bears hate the most, it’s a cluster of people walking slowly down the sidewalk. To counter this hatred, they often partake in their favorite hobby, tearing through public mobs with their bare hands and an Uzi. Be an informed student; not a statistic.

3. Take a Shower

City bears can smell fear. You know what else they can smell? Fish, which is exactly what you probably smelled like last Friday in class. Here at TechNews, we recommend Dove soap or Old Spice body spray but before we can give a recommendation, one has to truly appreciate the benefits of taking a bath. Not only you no longer anger your classmates by not smelling like week old Chinese food, but as a bonus you get to keep your liver.

4. Know what you want at 7-eleven

City bears in particular are very active species, because of this, they become increasingly frustrated if they wait any more than five minutes. This week alone, multiple reports told of at least 6 separate instances of city bear genocide resulting from 3:00 a.m. drunk people in 7-Eleven. This isn’t even necessarily the bears’ fault, as all those attacks could have been easily prevented if people had just walked into 7-Eleven for a reason. Seriously, if you don’t want coffee, a drink or a snack, you probably don’t need to be in 7-Eleven at all. Oh, and speaking of drunk people…

5. Getting Drunk at the BOG

Yes, we know the BOG serves alcohol, but it’s also possible to drink without getting hammered. This is especially important to remember this when at our school hangout, The BOG, because not only is being drunk at the BOG distasteful, it makes you the perfect pre-crushed bowling ball for city bears.

6. Park like you know how to drive.

Don’t lie, anyone on campus with a car can confess to at least one instance where they parked like a total jerk. Whether you have used two spaces or parked sideways, parking incompetently has been observed to increasingly aggravate passing city bears. In fact, ever since the mayor banned bear-football, city bears have developed a new hobby of ripping people out of their terribly parked cars and throwing them into the sun. These are very strong bears.

7. Have an original idea

Believe it or not, city bears are just as social as they are violent. Nothing a city bear loves more than a good conversation. Beware though, though having a city bear as a friend can be an exhilarating experience, nobody likes a guy who steals someone’s joke or doesn’t cite an opinion, and city bears have a strict “no arms rule” for copycats.

Follow these simple guidelines, and you can reduce your chances of a city bear attack by at least 60%. If you follow these rules and still get your kidneys eaten, it was probably the top ramen. I heard it makes you delicious.