Eleven secrets about living on campus that THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW

Date: 
Saturday, March 25th, 2017

If you live in the residence halls or Greek housing here at Illinois Tech, you probably think you know the ropes by now. If you commute to school, you’ve probably still visited one of our residential buildings with friends at one point or another. Still, there are some little things that you may not notice from day to day, and some bigger things that THE SHADOW BOARD OF TRUSTEES IS HIDING FROM YOU. Here are some of the most interesting facets of on-campus living that Illinois Tech has to offer behind closed doors:

· Want to get to class without running into any of those pesky friends? Memorize the basement tunnels of MSV so you can get from your room to the door without interacting with another human being.

· Adding a new lamp to your SSV room will brighten it up for sure, but keep in mind that it’ll also allow passers-by to watch you more easily through those big windows while you sleep.

· The laundry chute in Gunsaulus Hall provides quick and efficient one-person transit from any floor to the basement, and is currently being studied by SpaceX as a model for their Hyperloop transit system.

· There is no laundry room underneath Fowler Hall, and there’s also no indoor bike rack there. To suggest such a thing indicates that you are a liar.

· The giant papier-mâché word “SEX” in MSV’s leadership office isn’t just a relic from an old educational RA event; it’s a monument to all the sex Illinois Tech students could have been having instead of trying to motivate themselves to work on their last remaining non-major course.

· The cockroaches that make an occasional appearance in Gunaulus Hall aren’t just the only creatures who want to hang out with you: they also make a tasty snack!

· Each of the fraternity and sorority chapter houses have hidden defenses against their rival organizations, ready to spring into action should the Pi Kapps ever attempt to requisition the well-kept Skulls house, for example. This includes the two Greek organizations that meet in the basement of Lewis Hall, a space that can be sealed off like a bank vault on a moment’s notice.

· Carman Hall, touted as a quiet living option for students who are at least 23 years of age, is actually populated entirely by children between the ages of five and eleven.

· Though the renovation of Main Building hasn’t officially commenced, a small group of students is already living there full-time as beta testers. To join this elite test squad, simply send $100 to soren.spicknall@gmail.com via Google Wallet or PayPal.

· SSV, long rumored to be the world’s largest toaster masquerading as student housing, is actually just a poorly-designed boat. Helmut Jahn, while an avid sailor, knows nothing about hull design.

· The vacant fraternity house on the west side of the quad isn’t completely disused. Three times a year, it hosts meetings of the Shadow Board of Trustees, which is like the regular Board of Trustees except that they prefer Pepsi to Coke and THEY ARE INTENT ON HIDING ALL THESE FACTS FROM YOU.