Plans to build electric trolley on campus by 2016 confirmed

Date: 
Sun, 2014/03/30
By: 
Reno Waswil
Last week, the Board of Directors, in a record unanimous decision, finally agreed on plans for their goal of installing a small electric trolley to shuttle students around the campus by 2016. The new plan will have priority over every other project expected to take place on campus, including even regular maintenance of the campus and its buildings that still remain unfinished.
The updated plan outlines proactive updates to the hitherto almost completely hypothetical electric train idea that was being thrown around since early January, and finally puts an unrealistic price tag of 1 billion dollars for the project, although all members conceit that such an insane scheme will no doubt far exceed that prediction.
The new plan lays out that for safety reasons, the train is expected to go only four miles an hour, which is marginally faster than the speed the average student walks but will make no difference over the short distances expected.
The trains, which will run on ten minute intervals, are expected to hold up to twenty people and will make periodic stops along a predesigned track at each building similar to the EL. Each will be emblazed with student submitted designs for the logo of the school so they can save money on the designing of the trains while simultaneously qualifying for federal grants for promoting creativity among students.
The students will not be reimbursed in any way.
For the most part, the board tried to make sure they could carry out this project without the backlash of the students, so they buried the news in places where the students would most definitely not see it.
When told of the project by TechNews’ on-the-street reporters, students on campus were unsurprisingly confounded with this revelation of what the school is putting their tuition money towards, especially with the infuriating knowledge that tuition is expected to raise. A record 90% of our sample size of ten was against the project, while 10% was undecided.
“Really?” questions IIT Senior Tricia Tagney when this new development was revealed to her. “Why?”
She continued her puzzled look until deciding she didn’t care all that much because she was graduating this year anyway, shrugging, and walked away. She was the undecided vote.
Our source within the school’s decision making hierarchy, who would like to remain under the alias ‘Thep Resident’ commented, “This is a relatively new plan, really it just came to us a few weeks ago, so we decided to put many of the other plans on the backburners to really focus on this one and get it done as soon as possible. We know how much of a hassle it is to walk around campus, and we are doing this for the benefit of our students. We want them to know that we hear their concerns and are up to date on the newest technologies, even if we have to make up either the technologies or the concerns themselves.”
When questioned about the still unclear question “Why?” Thep responded, “Well, we think it will attract new potential students to our school and thereby increase our status as a university as well as the community atmosphere; who doesn’t want to go to a school with a miniature electric train on it? We also think it will persuade more students to live here on campus as it will be a total waste of their money for commuting students, as most projects at IIT are. As we enjoy pointing out, the IIT community is in a constant state of growth and opportunity and equality, and we want to foster that for our students; it is all for the students; everything we do is for the students.”
In addition to the benefits, there are many concerns that some take to the building of the trolley.
For one, there is little hope that it will function during both the freezing winter months as well as the excruciating summer months that are predicted for the Chicago climate.
“We are kind of hoping that the weather here just stops being so predictably brutal,” says the leading engineer of the project. “If not, I guess we’ll just have to deal with those bridges when we come to them.” Also, the engineers tell us that the plans for the trolley are expected to maximize the disruption of traffic to provide additional incentive for potentially commuting students to not even bother.
Due to the costs associated with the extremely expensive project, as well as compatibility issues between the campus in its current condition and a small electric train, the trolley will not be going through or anywhere near the Quad, who ironically, based on our research, seemed to be less angry about it than most other students. There are also rumors that—just to rub it in all their smug Greek faces—all students living on the Quad will be asked not to use the trains at all.