Haunted Rivers Cuomo fanfic - NaNoWriMo - part two

Slander Generator
Mon Nov 15, 2021

Rivers Cuomo woke up to find his plane already flying to San Diego to record the Maroon album — Weezer’s pop-punk tribute album, which the star finds himself existentially compelled to write — with his charmingly outdated laptop in front of them. Rivers found himself seemingly already deep in conversation with the other members of the band. They must have been really getting into it, Rivers himself waking up mid-sentence. He had no memory of where he had started the sentence. 

“Wait hold up, I’m sorry, what were we talking about?” the enigmatic 50 year old frontman said. 

“Dude,” drummer Patrick Wilson responded, “We were talking about the lyrik for our ‘Dookie’ inspired track. ‘I asked you to go the Green Day concert, you said ‘aren’t you on tour with them’’ is what you wrote. Now, don’t you think that’s a bit too tongue-in-cheek? Like that’s either the best or worst thing you’ve ever written, and I’m not sure which. The audience won’t know which, either, but we need to make sure it lands right, you get it?” 

Rivers didn’t remember writing that. 

“We’ve been going back and forth on it this whole flight, don’t you remember?”

Rivers didn’t. 

“Anyways, we’re still deciding whether a Pinkerton callback is the right mood for this, and you said that keeping this tongue-in-cheek is the right move.” 

“It’s an audience issue,” Brian Bell chimed in. “If we’re doing a Green Day track, who haven’t put out a single relevant song since like 2004, you really have to figure that our target audience has to at least be some of those fans. I say, wear those Pinkerton influences on the sleeve. Be brazen about it!” 

“But what you’re forgetting is,” Scott Shriner began, before Rivers stood up and interjected, threw his hands up, and shouted “This is the first time to begin the same sound we tried on Radi-” he began, before losing consciousness again. As Rivers faded out, he was powerless to watch his hands pulling out a miniature white board as he began to chart the punk-ness of his previous albums on a graph. 

By the time he woke up, Rivers was already on the tarmac of San Diego International Airport, his bags in tow. As Rivers’ eyes came back into focus, he saw his new producer Zac Carper at the airport Jack-In-A-Box, waving his hands in his FIDLAR shirt, shouting “Are you ready to record the best album your band has recorded in the last 20 years?” 




Appears in
2021 - Fall - Issue 10