The life of an undergraduate guinea pig

TechNews Writer
Mon Apr 01, 2019


This week I had the chance to interview Illinois Tech's one and only guinea pig student, Horatio Ferm. He is a second-year architectural engineering student, and a proud part of the student body.

When I asked Ferm about his favorite part of Illinois Tech, he stated “Wheek wheeeek wheek wheek WHEEK WHEEEEEEK WHEEEK wheEK WHEEK wheek.” I then followed up from the other end of the spectrum, inquiring what his least favorite aspect was. He began chattering his teeth and ruffling his fur, and I quickly retracted my question. As architectural engineering is not a common major, I asked Ferm what made him decide on this specific area. I was not disappointed when he responded with, “WHEEK WHEEK WHEEEEEEK WHEEK wheek WHEEEEEEEEEK WHEEEEEEK WHEEK WHEEEEEEK wheek.” When I asked him to elaborate on the part about the feral cats, he stated “wheek wheek wheek WHEEEEEK wheek wheeeeeeeeeek wheeek WHEEEK WHEEEK wheek wheEEEEEEEK WHEEEK wheeek wheeeeeeek WHEEEK wheeEEEEK WHEEeek.” After hearing of the loss of his brother, Hamlet, and offering my condolences, Ferm proudly proclaimed, “WHEEEEEEK wheeek wheeek whEEEEK WHEEEK wheeek wheeek wheek!”

Though I had not previously heard of these “wheeek wheeeks” before, I could tell he was hungry and decided to provide him with complementary hay. I decided to ask one of the questions I crucially needed an answer to; if he has a small greenhouse meant for resting and sleeping, then why does he instead hide under his newly implemented hammock, never returning back to the once-loved lodging? Ferm replied with “ WHEEEK WHEEEEEEEEEEEK WHEEK WHEEEEEK WHEEEeek wheek wheeek wheeeeeek wheek.” Ferm then decided to act adorable and scratch behind his ear, followed by a yawn. He insisted that, “wheeek wheEEeek wheek whEEK WHEEK wheek wheeeeeeek wheeek whEEK WHEEK wheek,” and I could not argue with a point like that. I then proceeded to reach for some hay, intending to place it in front of Ferm; however, this sudden movement was seen as a threat by Ferm who froze up and stared at me for an infinitely long four seconds until he dismissed his earlier interpretations of my movements and ate from my hand.

I asked if he had any final words, and he did not disappoint when he said “WHEEEEK WHEEEK WHEEEEEEK wheEEK wheek wheeeeeeek wheek WHEEEeeek wheEek wheeek wheeek wheeeek WHEEEK WHEEEK WHEEEEEEEEEEEK WHEEEK WHEEEK wheEEEK WHEEEK WHEeeeEEEK WHEek wheeek wheeek wheeeeeeeek WHEEEEEEK WHEEEK WHEEEK wheeek wheeek wheeeEEEEEEEEK WHEEK WHEEEEEK WHEEK WHEEK wheeek wheeeeeeek wheek wheEEEEK wheek wheek WHEEEeeek wheEeEek wheek wheeek WHEEEK wheek wheek.”



Teaser Media
Appears in
2019 - Spring - Issue 9