Dean of Students Katherine Stetz fires President Alan Cramb

Technews Writer
Sat Mar 31, 2018

In a very bold, unprecedented, and probably-not-allowed display of administrative authority, the Illinois Tech Office of Student Affairs, under Dean of Students Katherine Stetz, has announced its decision to dismiss President Alan Cramb from the university, effective immediately. Since August of 2015, Cramb has served as the president of Illinois Tech dutifully, but (somehow) even he is not completely safe from the decisions of the Office of Student Affairs.

            Alan W. Cramb succeeded previous President John L. Anderson as the ninth president of the university after being unanimously elected by The Board of Trustees of Illinois Institute of Technology. Before then, Cramb had served as provost and senior vice president for academic affairs at Illinois Tech since 2008. Coming from a background of metallurgy, Cramb came into his position with an ironclad resolve to one day be fired by Dean Stetz. After the impressive length of less than three years, he has finally lived up to this highest expectation.

Basing the decision on the grounds of “practical strategic leadership,” the Office of Student Affairs affirmed its decision as one that was very much made with the “interests of the student body in mind. What Illinois Tech needs, now more than ever, is a leader that is attuned to the desires of the student body. With Cramb out of the way, we can work towards that goal.” However, this explanation still left much to be desired in terms of clear reasoning for the sudden dismissal, so TechNews took the initiative to probe deeper into the exact nature of the firing.

“It’s his music tastes,” an anonymous administrative source told TechNews. “I mean, the man loves progressive rock from the 1970s! Do you really think that we can rally behind someone whose main musical interests come from an era that was still in black and white?”

Dean Stetz later confirmed this report in a follow-up interview with TechNews. “In this position and in higher education, it’s really about forging a connection with students and showing that we’re people and capable of understanding and accommodating,” Dean Stetz said during our one-on-one interview. “While I’m sad to see Alan go, I’ll be able to rest soundly knowing that he won’t be spreading his musical tastes to our student body.”

When asked about the process for selecting a new university president, Dean Stetz simply answered with a resounding shout of “TECH YEAH!”

           

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2018 - Spring - Issue 11 (April Fools)
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