After months of deliberations and suspense-building among the student population of Illinois Tech, the Office of Student Affairs is proud to announce that, beginning with the Fall 2018 semester, the new dining service provider for the Illinois Institute of Technology will be Wisconsin-based American multinational dining provider Chexomark, LLC. With its corporate headquarters in Abrams, Wisconsin, Chexomark, LLC’s presence on Illinois Tech’s campus is especially notable as it represents the company’s first foothold in the Chicagoland area (as well as its first client that is neither a federal penitentiary nor a Latin American dictatorship). Effective fall 2018, all on-campus dining, retail, and catering will be provided by Chexomark, LLC.
This decision holds a number of implications for the future of the Illinois Tech student, staff, and faculty body as they can all expect to see a number of radical changes across campus in terms of physical infrastructure, food offerings, and even campus atmosphere. This last point was made especially evident from the presentation made by Chexomark, LLC’s Vice President of Marketing and External Affairs, Brent Wilkins, upon the company’s acceptance of the contract. “We’re really excited to bring everything we've got to this campus,” Wilkins began. “Our creed is really evident in our name. We’re a limited liability company, or LLC. Now, since none of you probably study business, what that means is that basically when we inevitably poison half your campus with our food, we don’t have to take any of the blame 'cause you dumbs brought this upon yourselves.”
After another half hour of discussing Chexomark, LLC’s various corporate awards and other recognitions that it worked hard to buy or manipulate, Wilkins finally began to discuss the sorts of changes that the new partnership would bring to the Illinois Tech campus, from The Commons to the campus’s retail dining locations.
“I had my data guys work really hard on preparing The Commons for you guys. Or should I say, ‘The Nobles,’” Wilkins ecstatically remarked. “That’s right. We’re renaming The Commons to The Nobles because we know you all put a huge amount of value in the experience you receive there. I had my data guys work day and night to come up with that. Like, they took the survey data from like, three of you, threw it into a spreadsheet, smacked their faces on keyboards, and chanted ‘OPEN DATA’ to each other until we finally came up with that name.” In describing The Nobles, Wilkins proudly stated that “we are changing absolutely nothing aside from the name because we know that a new dining service provider is a super scary occurrence,” as he made endearing gestures of being scared, as if to show his empathy towards the student audience. “We know you want that constant, familiar comfort of The Commons you know and love, so we’re giving it to you! The food, the quality, the hours, the staff - all of it!”
After several minutes of applause, Wilkins then gave a brief overview of the retail changes that Chexomark, LLC will bring to Illinois Tech. Of particular note is the inclusion of a fully-licensed Starbucks on campus, fully compatible with student meal plans. “We chose Keating Sports Center to place the Starbucks because we know you geniuses love to multitask. Why bother walking across campus to study right after you’re all tired and sweaty from working out? Instead, why not just be able to stop in the middle of your basketball game, plop down at the Starbucks that’s right on the court, and churn out a few equations before getting right back in the game? We value your time, and we want to make life for you as easy as possible.” A similar multitasking philosophy prompted the installation of a McDonald’s service window in the first floor of Stuart Building.
“We at Chexomark, LLC are really looking forward to controlling all of your lives for the next decade. You won’t be able to escape us, but more importantly, you won’t want to!” Wilkins proudly proclaimed as he finished his presentation.
While they declined an interview with TechNews, this newspaper's staff, for one, welcome our new dining overlords.