Cynical student actually fulfills promise, leaves university

Technews Writer
Fri Mar 30, 2018

Fulfilling a yearlong promise, second year computer science student Jackson McDaniel has completely subverted all expectations and quelled all beliefs that he is incapable of positive initiative by completing his transfer application to the University of Illinois at Chicago (UIC). An active member of the Illinois Tech Student Community (ITSC) Facebook group, McDaniel is known by many for his long posts on just about every aspect of Illinois Tech, from Illinois Tech Dining Services to his assumptions on the salary of President Alan Cramb, usually misspelled by McDaniel as “Allen Crumb.” Many of McDaniel's rants would often conclude with him threatening to "take my money elsewhere" by transferring to another university, and it would seem that he has finally lived up to this promise.

Oftentimes, McDaniel’s rants lacked any real substantive evidence behind them, basing his contributions on the belief that university administration actively conspires to make his life inconvenient and that airing his grievances to them directly would compromise his physical safety. “You’re with them, aren’t you?” McDaniel angrily asked TechNews during an attempted interview with him. Before threatening to “dox” this TechNews writer with a “linked list,” McDaniel continued to shout that he would “never let President Crumb get another cent from him.” This outburst is especially notable since McDaniel is a Duchossois scholar, and thus pays no actual tuition, room, or board to the university.

McDaniel has previously been asked on ITSC if he had ever considered bringing his complaints about housing, dining, academics, student life, the Student Government Association (erroneously referred to by McDaniel as the “Resident Student Union Association Board”), staff and administration, or the male bathroom on the east side of the MTCC up to any relevant advocacy groups or offices on campus. One of his more noteworthy responses consisted of McDaniel explaining that he “works hard to maintain a C average in all classes. I pay too much tuition to have to sit in some stupid ‘office’ just to be able to live my life. Are you telling me these things aren’t obvious? It’s pretty clear that the administration just hates us all and only cares about lining their own pockets,” McDaniel typed after sneaking into The Commons without using a meal swipe at the front register. “Highway robbery is going on right in these very walls,” as he closed his Facebook tab and pulled up an illegally downloaded copy of a class textbook.

However, as of March 30, the Illinois Tech community will lose the presence of McDaniel within its student body. Despite threatening several of the paper's members with physical violence, TechNews still wishes to send McDaniel off with its sincerest wishes that he finds academic success and more personal satisfaction at UIC. After all, McDaniel will quickly discover that inaction and anger towards the state of campus life are phenomena exclusive to the Illinois Tech campus, and these do not exist anywhere else aside from here.

Appears in
2018 - Spring - Issue 11 (April Fools)