Ethan Castro to leave TechNews, paper to shut down

ETHAN IN A BLONDE WIG
Sun Mar 25, 2018

Recent months have seen a heightened percentage of each TechNews issue authored solely by stoic business student Ethan Castro, as readers have surely become aware. Casual bystanders who happen to pass by the TechNews office in MTCC may have noticed the lack of literally anyone else ever present in the office, an especially disconcerting fact during Wednesday lunch periods, TechNews’ weekly writers’ meetings, a time when the office had previously been filled with staff.

“Yeah, I used to go to writers’ meetings,” said Shelly Smith, a second-year chemistry student who was previously involved as a TechNews writer. Smith shrugged. “But then I just sort of got the vibe that Ethan’s got this, ya know?” Smith’s eyes unfocused as she looked off into the distance. “Like, he’s got this…”

The dwindling number of articles written by people other than Castro has reached a record low of one, with the only other TechNews author that week being Troy Jones, who submitted lengthy coverage of that week’s Student Government Association (SGA) senate proceedings. When asked about what it felt like to be the only contributing writer to that week’s issue other than Castro, Jones responded, “Oh yeah, that wasn’t actually me.” He grinned widely. “Ethan wrote that under my name as a favor. I was like, ‘yo dude, can you quick write up this article for me? I wanna impress my girlfriend with some lengthy senate coverage,’ and he was like, ‘yo dude, I can do that for sure for sure, I’ll quickly write up like maybe 2,000 words and send it to you right after,’ and I was like, ‘thanks dude, you’re the best!’” Jones nodded vigorously. “That dude’s the best.”

Castro was interviewed on his reasons for leaving the newspaper, but due to his busy schedule, questions were asked of him while he was covering the proceedings of a student organization’s event for that week’s issue.

Furiously typing notes on the event’s proceedings, Ethan explained distractedly, “I’ve noticed that it’s starting to affect my performance in my classes--” The frequency of his typing increased as the presenter changed their slide. “Writing 25 articles a week and attending every single student organization event on campus is becoming a little taxing.”

When TechNews recently conducted a campus-wide survey to gauge visibility of the paper, they found that the group itself has somehow been replaced with Castro as an individual.

“TechNews?” One student asked, nose scrunching. “Oh! You mean Ethan Castro?”  

While TechNews staff weren’t exactly surprised, they were saddened by the fact that their only defining feature as a group would now be leaving them.

“It’s who we are, as an organization,” commented Editor-In-Chief Annie Zorn, nodding sagely. “Ethan Castro and TechNews are synonymous. The two cannot exist separately. When Ethan leaves…” Zorn’s words cut off suddenly, her hand flying to cover her mouth. She took a moment to compose herself. “When Ethan leaves TechNews, the paper simply will not be anymore.” A single tear rolled down her cheek.

It’s unsure when exactly Castro will leave the organization in order to focus on his coursework, but if the sadness folded into each crease of every new issue is anything to go by, the day of judgment is coming soon. So readers, be warned: cherish each issue of TechNews as if it is the last.




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2018 - Spring - Issue 11 (April Fools)
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